2008 Woodie Awards
Sexual assault myth of the month
Guest Commentary
Sexual Assault Prevention and Survivor Services
Issue date: 11/9/07 Section: Viewpoint
Myth: If an individual does not say "no," they are agreeing to have sex.
Fact: Have you ever asked a friend what was wrong, and in response they shrugged their shoulders, sighed, maybe rolled their eyes, and replied "nothing?"
As a friend, we know that "nothing" really means something. Instead of listening to their words we pay attention to their body language.
When it comes to sex, attending only to our partner's body language can lead to very dangerous assumptions.
Sex requires active consent between the two people involved. Sex without consent is rape. Active consent is a sober agreement between two people that sex is okay. Both individuals have a responsibility to establish consent. "Consent must be freely and actively given in mutually understandable terms or actions" (Illinois State University Student Code of Conduct).
Maybe you're kissing, and hands might even start wandering - your partner's actions show that they're interested, right?
Maybe . . . but is it okay to assume you have consent for sex? No, active consent has not been given, and lack of a "yes" means "no." Not saying "yes" is only one of the many ways your partner might be trying to say "no." Phrases like: "I have a boyfriend/girlfriend", "I've had too much to drink", "I'm tired, let's just go to sleep", or even silence should all be considered "no." The easiest way to determine if you have consent is to ASK your partner - "is this OK?", "do you want to have sex?". Making assumptions about consent puts you and your partner at risk.
Whether it is your partner of two years, or someone you just met, every individual retains the right to say "no" to sex. Unfortunately, not everyone says this in the same way.
Someone may not say "no" because they're scared they might get hurt, they don't know how, or they're concerned about hurting their partner.
Perhaps they say "no" and their partner isn't listening. Whatever the case, the need for an active "yes" to sex is a must.
If you find yourself in a situation in which you do not feel comfortable, use your voice. Say "no", when saying "no," be direct and assertive. Let it be known directly that you are not okay with having sex.
If you or someone you know has been the victim of an unwanted sexual experience talk to someone, ignoring it will not make it go away. Help is free and confidential and a formal report will not be filed unless the survivor decides to do so. Contact the Sexual Assault Prevention and Survivor Services program in Student Counseling Services. Call: 438-7948 or 438-3655 or visit the website at www.counseling.ilstu.edu.
Fact: Have you ever asked a friend what was wrong, and in response they shrugged their shoulders, sighed, maybe rolled their eyes, and replied "nothing?"
As a friend, we know that "nothing" really means something. Instead of listening to their words we pay attention to their body language.
When it comes to sex, attending only to our partner's body language can lead to very dangerous assumptions.
Sex requires active consent between the two people involved. Sex without consent is rape. Active consent is a sober agreement between two people that sex is okay. Both individuals have a responsibility to establish consent. "Consent must be freely and actively given in mutually understandable terms or actions" (Illinois State University Student Code of Conduct).
Maybe you're kissing, and hands might even start wandering - your partner's actions show that they're interested, right?
Maybe . . . but is it okay to assume you have consent for sex? No, active consent has not been given, and lack of a "yes" means "no." Not saying "yes" is only one of the many ways your partner might be trying to say "no." Phrases like: "I have a boyfriend/girlfriend", "I've had too much to drink", "I'm tired, let's just go to sleep", or even silence should all be considered "no." The easiest way to determine if you have consent is to ASK your partner - "is this OK?", "do you want to have sex?". Making assumptions about consent puts you and your partner at risk.
Whether it is your partner of two years, or someone you just met, every individual retains the right to say "no" to sex. Unfortunately, not everyone says this in the same way.
Someone may not say "no" because they're scared they might get hurt, they don't know how, or they're concerned about hurting their partner.
Perhaps they say "no" and their partner isn't listening. Whatever the case, the need for an active "yes" to sex is a must.
If you find yourself in a situation in which you do not feel comfortable, use your voice. Say "no", when saying "no," be direct and assertive. Let it be known directly that you are not okay with having sex.
If you or someone you know has been the victim of an unwanted sexual experience talk to someone, ignoring it will not make it go away. Help is free and confidential and a formal report will not be filed unless the survivor decides to do so. Contact the Sexual Assault Prevention and Survivor Services program in Student Counseling Services. Call: 438-7948 or 438-3655 or visit the website at www.counseling.ilstu.edu.
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